so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
