I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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