So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
