he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
