So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
