Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
