he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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