During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
