I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
