it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I look better un-naked...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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