and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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