It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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