my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
