Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize