i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
be right there i have to get my cape
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
