Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize