did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
