How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she smelled like a LAN party
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Randomize
