Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
