I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
