Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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