my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
