listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
