i jhust puked up my retainher.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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