i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
