Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
