I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
