Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
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