It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
