Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
