Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
