on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
