What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Randomize
