That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
