Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
