I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
