I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
