kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
