so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
