I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
