I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
