tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
