too bad you live with your parents still
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
