plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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