she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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