WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
barbara walters just said penis...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
