I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
