I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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