i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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