I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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