i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
