i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
someone owes me an orgasm
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize