so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
