I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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