shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
