party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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