There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
