at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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