So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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