i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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