I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
