The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize