you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
