Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
