Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we're making bets on your personal life
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Randomize