Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
